Family/Whanau

As the whanau of a young person who has been through sexual violence, it is important to hold their trust and keep them safe. Supporting a person to be safe and heal from their experience will lift a large burden from their shoulders while restoring their sense of wellbeing.

Sexual abuse is difficult to talk about, but it is important to protect, support and listen when they go to you for help.

Because children are raised around communities, it's good when the entire whanau is resourced to protect the child.

Supporting someone in the family who has experienced harmful sexual behaviour is not easy. It's okay to get support for yourself as well during this time.

A good relationship reduces the likelihood of your child's vulnerability to abuse. If your child doesn't 'need a new friend', they are less likely to be approached as they are more likely to not respond well to a person's attempts to charm or coerce them. They are also more likely stand up for themselves and say no.

Children who feel emotionally secure and well loved are less vulnerable.

Good relationships mean that if your child does have a bad experience, they will be more resilient. Good relationships make children stronger inside so they can cope better when things go wrong.

In a good relationship, your child is also more likely to tell you if they feel scared, uncomfortable or if something's bothering them.

Child abuse relies on secrecy. The best thing you can do to keep them safe is to give them warm, safe relationships where they can share their problems and know they will be taken seriously.

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• Educate yourself and other adults around your child about harmful sexual behaviour, normal childhood sexual development, the risks of the Internet and how to respond to a child if they disclose abuse.
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• Take care who you let in to your child's life.
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• Maintain clear rules about boundaries in your family, to reduce the chance of your child getting confused if someone touched them inappropriately.
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• Protect your children from exposure to sex. While it is great for children to see their parents being affectionate with each other, they need to be protected from exposure to sexualised talk, sexual activity or sexual media.
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• The Internet contains a lot of sexual content not fit for children. Keep your children safe from porn and adult content online by installing programs on your computer that will restrict access to these sites.
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• Discourage secrecy that makes them feel uncomfortable, fearful or confused.
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• Give your child a language set so they have the words to talk about any worries (ensure they know the name of all their body parts).
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• Teach your child that some parts of the body are private (eg under the underwear) and teach them what types of physical contact are appropriate.
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• Make sure your child can say no to touch they don’t like. Even if it's just granddad's scratchy beard when he kisses goodbye, they need to feel confident enough to say no if they don't like the sensation. This will empower them to say no to touch that is truly unsafe.
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While formal childcare settings provide protection from abuse through police checks of staff and policies that promote safe environments, no such protections exist with informal childcare arrangements.

Baby-sitting

This means it's up to you to put in place some basic precautions to protect your child.

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• It is estimated that half of all sexual offending is done by teenagers.
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• Teenagers who sexually abuse will often do so during baby-sitting.
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• Both boys and girls abuse.
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What you can do:

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• Ask for references.
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• Spend some time watching the person interact with your children before you leave - keep in mind cues to safe and unsafe behaviour around children. To see a list of these cues, click here.
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• Don't allow the teenager to bring other young people into your home while they're caring for your children.
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When other family members are caring for your children:

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• Communicate your family touching and privacy rules.
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• Ask your children how they felt after being cared for, and listen to what they tell you.
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Sleepovers

Sleepovers are safest when your children can bathe, toilet and dress themselves. When your child can't do these yet, it's best to restrict sleepovers to people you know best. Share your family privacy and touching rules with the sleepover parents beforehand.

Check out the plans for the night - where your children will be sleeping and who else will be there.

Check with your children that they genuinely want to sleepover with the other children and that they are not just feeling pressured or attracted by something else in the house like games, toys, playstation, etc.

You might like to phone your children before bedtime.

Tell your children that they can phone at any time - even in the middle of the night - if they are worried or concerned. Make sure the sleepover parents agree to this in front of the children.

Check what level of supervision will be available and by whom.

Children face a higher risk of being sexually abused in blended families - from step-parents, step-siblings and other step-relatives and friends who now have access to your children.

The kind of attachment that a parent or sibling forms with a child who has been in their care from birth provide some level of protection against sexually abusing that child. It is more difficult to objectify a child for the purpose of meeting your own needs when you have been involved in nurturing and caring for the child for its whole life. Research suggests that step-fathers may be ten times more likely to sexually abuse children than their natural fathers.
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Also, in the parental excitement of a new relationship and the potential for a new family unit, sometimes children can get emotionally lost. Such feelings can make children vulnerable to both sexually acting out on other children, or being acted out upon.

Blending of families also exposes your children to more unrelated people. Now there's double the number of aunties, uncles and grandparents. While this can mean more protective adults for your children, this can also mean more exposure to risk.

Finally, there are some sexual offenders who target women with children as potential partners, purely to get access to children.

Check out the person you're dating - spend some time with their family and friends and find out what went wrong in their previous relationship. How do they get on with their kids? If they don't have good relationships with them, it is unlikely they will manage to do so with yours.

Watch the person with children - do they show any of the signs of unsafe behaviour around children such as volunteering to do things with children alone, or wanting to spend more time with the children than with you?

Listen to how your child feels about your new partner. Trust and consider what they say about your new partner.

Allow your children time and space to get to know your new partner and their children. Don't expect them to be affectionate and open straightaway. Positive relationships are built by doing fun things together, as well as allowing for appropriate boundaries. For example, if your child is not comfortable being dressed by your new partner, don't force it. It is reasonable to expect your child to show signs of being increasingly comfortable over the first few years.